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I think I want to be a part of it: New York, New York…

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After writing recently about surrogate mothers of the emotional not biological kind, I was inspired to write about my life in New York City.   I am a Canadian but I lived there for a little while during my university days which is now some 26 years ago.  It actually sucks that I had to use a calculator to figure that out just now.  I can’t explain how some of my memories and images of New York are still so very vivid, when I forget why I’ve grounded my kids just 2 minutes after doing so!

It was 1985.  I was a second year student at an American university and running out of money real fast.  Several of my housemates were taking off their first semester junior year to do internships and I quickly signed up to do the same.  An internship would allow me to earn some desperately needed cash and earn credits at the same time.  My alternatives at this point were pretty dismal:  ask my parents for more money or transfer to a cheaper university.  The former was unthinkable, the latter was looking more likely, so I really wanted to make a go of this internship thing.  The counsellor in the career services office suggested a placement with large privately-owned restaurant company in New York City called The Riese Organization. I had never heard of them, but I wasn’t deterred. The list of chain restaurants and independents that they owned and operated was impressive. They did not have much of a human resources department so I wasn’t exactly sure what I was getting myself into but tell me, what college kid does?

I can’t remember now why my parents didn’t accompany me to New York to drop me off for this huge step in my life but I probably fed them some convincing lie about my confidence and capability to do this on my own.  My boyfriend at the time helped me move into my swell new Upper East Side digs at the The 92nd Street Y:  a 12’ x’16’ dorm room for which I would paying almost half my monthly income for the privilege and sharing it with my university friend, Anne, also doing an internship in New York City.  My scholarship and student loan money had been scaled back as a result of taking this internship but would be enough to cover my tuition fees.  In my pocket I had a Canadian cheque from my parents for the first month’s rent and about $50 in US cash.  To say that I was looking forward to my first paycheque would be a considerable understatement.

“Home” to this point had been various small pulp and paper towns in Northern Ontario or along the St Lawrence Seaway.  Now, “home” was to be Manhattan.  A Domtar* brat in Manhattan:  perhaps you are now picturing a Canadian female version of Mick Dundee exploding on to the Manhattan scene with impressive knife moves and an equally impressive accent?  Er, maybe just a red flannel shirt, eh?  I think I’m about to disappoint you.

I know the communal bathroom facilities of the 92nd Street Y shouldn’t have phased me, given my dorm days, but waiting for a shower to be free on my first day of work only added to my nervousness.  Though I had already scouted out my commuter route, I had never done so during a Monday morning rush hour.  Walking down Lexington Av to the 86th street subway stop I looked not quite like a fish out of water but – God help me – more like a pinball machine on acid. Clearly new Yorkers walk with purpose and Canadians just walk like dorks. Thanks to years of apologetic Canadian training, I spent the first 5 minutes on the sidewalk pardoning myself and saying “sorry!” to the shoulder of every YUPpie ** that slammed into me in its determined effort to get to the subway without making eye contact.

I exhaled with great relief upon arriving in one piece to the station, only to inhale next the wonderful aroma that is the New York City subway system … a strange mixture of je ne sais quoi that I describe to non-Manhattanites as fried-onion urine.  Breathe through your mouth. Naturally, I didn’t time my subway token insertion perfectly as most New Yorkers would and I had to endure the awkward forward thrusts of a few disgruntled commuters into my backside as I paused to allow the token to be acknowledged by the turnstile.  

Having mapped out my route I knew to take the green circle 5 express to 59th Street, transfer to the orange circle N or R train to Herald Square and walk a block over to my new “classroom” at West 34th Street and 7th.   Easy, peesy, piece of Lindy’s cheesecake, right?

Wrong.

The Express wasn’t working or was delayed - who knows as I had yet to acquire that uniquely New York ability to understand the person that is the voice of the subway loud speaker and who got that job after a very successful stint as the teacher’s voice in every Charlie Brown movie.  It was only after I’d been standing alone, minding my own business and quietly humming Aretha’s Freeway of Love that I finally noticed the mad exodus behind me back upstairs to the 4 and 6 Local trains. 

So I followed the masses without question and arrived to the local platform and a sea of human bodies.  I suddenly had a vague appreciation for what the Halifax piers must have looked like when my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles arrived from post-war Europe.  Trains arrived and bodies heaved themselves into already packed subway cars.   Slowly but surely I inched forward until the subways doors practically pinched my nose as they closed, inviting me to “stand clear of the closing doors” as if I had a choice.  The next train would certainly have room for me.  A rush of wind passed as the train moved on and I realized I was standing well inside the yellow marker indicating the safe waiting distance for the trains.   I was one aerobic shoelace away from the track and I thought I would die right then and there. I looked left and right trying to determine which of these psychos was going to throw me in front of the subway and was suddenly envious of the rats on the track that had more freedom of movement that I did. I closed my eyes instead prayed for mercy – or a quick death.

God answered (the mercy part, not the quick death) as I was quickly pressed into the next subway car wedged between an attractive businessman and someone whom I’m certain was pleasing himself on my hip.  So much for my tutorial on the famous subway New York Times newspaper four-fold. 

Mercifully, the rest of my very first New York City commute occurred without incident otherwise I might just have gone to Grand Central and taken the first
northbound Amtrak home.  I sputtered into the office on the 6th floor with even BIGGER ‘80’s hair than I started with that day if you can possibly imagine, and announced my arrival to the receptionist.   Though my first inclination was to ask my new boss, “When can I go home?” I managed instead to say, “I’m so very glad to be here” and she had no idea how much I really, really meant it!

What was your first impression of New York City?

***

* Domtar – a large pulp and paper company with operations in many small Canadian towns and for whom my father worked for about 20 years; the fine paper division of Weyerhaeuser merged with Domtar in 2007 making it a US company.

** YUPpy – Young Urban Professional (’80′s lingo, you tads)

The Power of Words Part II: Writers’ Hibernation

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I hope that you will indulge me by watching this one-minute YouTube video:

Change your words
Change your world.

The message is simple, really:  change your words a little; improve your message a lot.

Change your words.

But what if I don’t know how to change my words? What if the right words aren’t there?  What if the words aren’t there at all? What if the words that are there, suddenly just look and sound exaggerated and – well –  just unimpressive?

This is a writer’s struggle, constantly seeking the right combination of words to express something more impactfully, more evocatively, more visually, and somehow transform the words into a memorable and lasting experience for the reader.

A couple of days ago, while driving to and fro from somewhere this week I caught Eleanor Wachtel, host of the CBC’s Writers & Company radio show, interview writer Edward St. Aubyn about his recent novel At Last.  I was actually listening, which my last post would suggest  that I am incapable of doing while driving. Eleanor read a passage from the book which fell upon my ears with such eloquence and descriptive mastery that I just wanted to savour it.  Then Edward asked her, “Would you like me to unpackage that for you?” and I thought, no! Why would you unpackage something which must have taken so much skill and effort to package? Unpackage and paraphrase to me and the words lose all their magic. Some words are not meant to be changed. 

A recent post over at Write on Edge recently helped me put my struggle with and without words into a little more perspective.  Writers like perspective, don’t they?  Cameron wrote in her Be an Impressionist post which offered that writers would do well to use the same approach that painters of the Impressionist period used:   “the next time the words start to trip you up, give yourself some distance to see the whole.  Be an Impressionist.  It’s only when you step back that you see what is memorable, what lingers in the head and the heart after the reading is over.”

Are the words tripping you up?

Most memoirists have a strong tendency to accentuate and perhaps exaggerate the ordinary for it’s in Life’s ordinary moments that we cross boundaries and borders and connect.  Humanity loves honesty. I remember listening to writer Wade Rouse saying the best way to start in memoir writing is to remember these three words:  heartbreak, humour and honesty.

I would like to be able to ‘package’ my words as Edward did. I would like to be able to express heartbreak with the same humour and honesty as Wade.  I want to power of words to be in my head, in my hands, in my pen, and in my heart.  I just want to yank out those words lurking in my grey matter just beyond the reach of my cerebral cortex and make them magically appear onto my blank computer screen.  The truth is, sometimes neither the words nor the power are there.  But they lurk.

Hold that thought!

Sometimes, often unexpectedly, those lurking words come in such a flash that they keep me up at night – or wake me up at night – or come to me in the middle of a conversation with someone who is rightfully expecting my full attention.  The worst is when the words come and there’s nothing to be done about it… no pen, no computer, no recorder, nothing … and the words are gone.

I’d rather not think of the words that aren’t there as writer’s block; I prefer instead to think of them as writer’s hibernation.  And since Winter is waning and Spring is aloft, perhaps the mind will soon let the words come out and play.

Spring has sprung … have your words?

Are you listening?!

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The Power of Words – Part I

 I am reading “The Tiger’s Wife” by Téa Obreht.  This is not a book review.

I recently came to the realization that I am a lover of the written word over the spoken word.   I believe the psycho-educational world would suggest that my personal learning style is visual versus auditory.

How did I come to this conclusion a full 25 years after graduating from my post-secondary institution of higher learning?

I purchased an audio version of  The Tiger’s Wife for my recent 4-hour hockey road trip to Rochester New York with my 14-year old son, given the likelihood of a fairly long break in stimulating conversation.  Though I have occasionally been pleasantly taken aback by car chats with my kids during road trips, I thought it best to be prepared in case the usual teenager behaviour presented itself.  Conveniently downloaded to my iPod, I had quick access to alternative dialogue (albeit one-way) with a quick touch of a button.  Eye contact with a US Customs and Border Protection official without surliness is key to accomplish smooth entry into a foreign country with a bottle or two of undeclared adult beverage, so I did ask him to kindly remain conscious until we’d crossed the border.  My teenager reluctantly agreed and just as predicted, following unhindered entry to US with aforementioned beverages AND a token ‘good luck at the tournament’ added for his sake, Offspring is comatose soon thereafter.  So I switch to my iPod book and I’m ready to listen.

Turns out I wasn’t so ready to listen.

When I have a book in front of me, I read it.  I pay attention to it.  I am into it.  If I am distracted or otherwise called to be engaged (like falling asleep, for example), I put the book down and I no longer pay attention to it.   I turned on this audio book however, and I soon myself NOT paying attention to it.   I was distracted by the scenery, the other cars, my hunger, my coffee, my bladder, my to-do list, a passing inspiration … my bladder again.  I stopped listening to the book well before our I-90 turnoff.  I’ve listened to audio books before without this apparent lack of focus (my son called it day-dreaming but – puah -what does HE know?).  I wonder if perhaps learning styles change as you age and mature.   

I am finding now, it’s almost as if I have to see the word, rather than hear it, to fully understand, appreciate, and retain its message.  The book publishing industry is counting on the likes of me.  In fact, they love me because I now own  both an audio version and e-book version of The Tiger’s Wife.  Yet I couldn’t help thinking recently that learning styles and their consequences in communication might also have vast implications for therapists.

 [What is she talking about?]

Do you not think a marriage counsellor could increase their effectiveness and Saved Marriage Percentage (there’s no such thing in therapy, that’s just the goalie mom in me coming out) by ten-fold if they were to quickly determine which learning style and which media best served a couple’s communication style?  Think of how many relationships fall apart because of poor communication and misunderstanding.  A marriage saved resorting to communication-by-email, is still a marriage saved.  I have been told (though I protest) that my verbal communication with my dear husband is occasionally tinged with irrational emotion and impatience.  However, my texts, emails and Post-Its are calm and coherent, and they state my position and my needs without the exasperated non-verbals that men don’t understand anyway.  I have outstanding communication with my husband as long as we are texting (that’s Texting).  I think I’m on to something.  Imagine if counsellors take this a step further and introduce Parenting-by-Podcast.  Family counseling made possible through iTunes gift cards (written transcript available for the visual learner like me, of course).  

This is how my mind works sometimes – and then I wonder why it wanders during an audio book…

Do audio books make you day dream?

Timmies: apparently you can’t just take it or leave it.

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I’ve really done it now. I’m pretty sure CSIS is on my tail and the RCMP is monitoring my internet use. What’s the cause of this new found surveillance anxiety? I happened to casually mention to a another hockey mom the other day that I was somewhat ambivalent about Tim Horton’s coffee.

“Are you kidding me?!” she asked, with an expression that suggested I had just committed an act of treason under section 46 of the Criminal Code of Canada. She looked around nervously to see who have witnessed this brazen lack of patriotism. She whispered, “You don’t like Timmies?”

“It’s not that I don’t like Timmies,” I offered, trying to make up for the life of social isolation to which I’ve clearly just relegated myself and my family. “I just don’t love Timmies.”

Tim Horton’s coffee (aka, having a Timmy or getting your Timmies) is as Canadian as a loonie or legally drinking a 2-4 while still a teenager (by the way, those are not connected and should not be confused). She continued, “Sorry…” (also uniquely Canadian – we start every sentence with ‘sorry’), pulling me the the side of the hockey arena foyer, away from glaring disapproval of the Timmy crowd and adding, “It’s just that I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t like Timmies coffee. I can’t live without my double-double!”   Oh, I do love a good latte but honestly, I’m good with any old coffee as long as it’s not decaf and not three days old. To state this publicly is apparently very un-Canadian.

So, imagine my surprise that while visiting Rochester this past weekend (I know, I know, I’m living the dream), I see a Tim Horton’s coffee right next door to our hotel. Not far from this Timmies, was of course a Dunkin’ Donuts.

Given that my son had a most thoughtfully scheduled 7:15am Saturday morning game that required us to be on the road to the arena by 615am, I casually mentioned to my son, “Hey! Let’s hit up Dunkin’ Donuts this morning for coffee and hot chocolate, okay?” He looked at me in as much disbelief as a 14-year old can feign at that hour of a Saturday morning. “But Mom, there’s a Timmies right here”, as in, why go anywhere else? So for all my faithlessness in a Canadian institution, my son set me straight (again).

Then later that day when I heard ad ad on Rochester radio for Tim Horton’s Café and Bakeshop, I just about flew off the road.

Café and Bakeshop??  Are you kidding me?   Calling Tim Horton’s a café and bakeshop is like calling Dunkin’ Donuts, Le Boulangerie et Pâtisserie de Dunkin. I guess I know very little about American consumerism.

There are over 4500 Tim Horton's in Canada - finding one does not really require an app!

So it would appear that Tim Horton donut shops (and let me be be clear about this right now: they ARE donut shops) might be the next great Canadian export since Pamela Anderson.

And to that I say …

Americans are just gonna love their double-double.  Always Fresh. Always Tim Horton’s.

Have you had your Timmies today?

 

Author’s notes:
CSIS is the Canadian Security Intelligence Service, responsible for matters of national security. Like the CIA and MI5, CSIS works domestically and internationally in identifying and controlling threats to Canadian national security like terrorism, and general indifference to Tim Horton’s coffee. 

A loonie is a Canadian one-dollar coin, so nicknamed for the Canadian loon which adorned the first mint.

The legal drinking age in most Canadian provinces is 19 (except in Alberta and Quebec, where it’s 18, eh!).  A 2-4 is a case of 24 beers.

A double-double is a coffee with 2 sugars and a double shot of milk or cream (could also be Pamela Anderson’s cup size; I hope there will be no confusion).

Seasonal Affective Disorder and Shaving

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Second palm tree to the right and straight on ’til morning!”
- Peter Pan’s directions to Neverland, amended by a dustbunny

I need sun. I need the warmth of the sun. I am cold and I am pale. I’ve been wearing black turtlenecks since November. My toes haven’t seen the light of day since October. My get-up-and-go just got under the duvet, and from where I can see far enough to the pantry for more potato chips. I still have cold hockey arenas to bear for another few weeks. You know what else? I haven’t shaved since September. There. I said it.

“Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter

Seasonal Affective Disorder is listed as a legitimate mood disorder listed in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) and its symptoms include depression, hopelessness, anxiety, loss of energy, heavy feeling in the arms and legs, social withdrawal, loss on interest in activities once enjoyed, appetite changes and cravings for high carbs and difficulty concentrating. I think those also cover symptoms of prolonged motherhood, though they fail to include that mid-winter aversion to shaving.

Although mothers are found all over the world, SAD sufferers are predominantly found in the northern hemispheres where symptoms are the worst between November and February (in contrast to prolonged motherhood whose symptoms are year-round and the only known treatment is high school graduation).

“Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting”

My daughter's windowsill flowers waiting for sunnier days

One of the most prevalent and most often sought-after treatments for SAD is light therapy. For many – including me – this involves a trip down south and a drink with a little umbrella in it. However, I drew the shortest straw in the family vacation vote this year and we are NOT going south. In fact the GPS will probably not register anything remotely similar to “S”. We are heading farther North in my already too-northern hemisphere. While I may have had my fill of Old Man Winter, especially since he made February one day longer this year, the kids and my husband have not, and we are going skiing. Not quite the light therapy I had self-prescribed for my self-diagnosed SAD.

As my goal for 2012 is always to find the positive, and I know there will be a cozy fire, a nice hot tub and wine.

“Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces”

The cool thing about a ski vacation is that it is socially acceptable to spend extended periods of time hanging around in your underwear. So along with my wine, I’m packing my most sexy and enticing Hot Chillys thermal long underwear.

This ski trip may also delay the post-Canadian-winter leg shaving ritual a little longer, given the effective use of thermal underwear. I can also breathe a sigh of relief that the dreaded bathing-suit-shopping-trip is postponed a few more months, too.

But then there’s the hot tub. The hot tub is an issue.

A long day of skiing (or even a very short day) necessitates a trip to the hot tub. A trip to the hot tub necessitates a leg shaving. Well, actually necessitates a two-leg shaving. And not the cheater-shave either; the below-the-knees shave I do on a rare night out during hockey season that requires me to wear a dress and pantyhose. I need a full leg shaving. And I need a bathing suit. The last thing I want to do is go shopping for a bathing, right now. In addition to an extra layer of body hair this winter I’ve also acquired an extra layer of blubber, suffering through my SAD potato chip treatments.

I find I am in quite a quandary: hot tub = bathing suit = shaving. Then I come across a perfect alternative to a bathing suit:

A wet suit.

Thermal underwear and a wet suit.

I have now found a perfect alternative to shaving AND a surefire way to have the hot tub entirely to myself!

“How do you like me so far?”

Don’t you dare try to tell me I’m not positive (+)!

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 The other day I was running some errands with my 14-year old son, which actually means I was out running errands for my son and he graced me with his presence.  After the third sporting goods store, we located the appropriate snowboard helmet (I knew ‘black’ was a versatile colour but, really?), and then we made one last stop for some XBox game that he was just absolutely the last person on earth to own.  In examining his purchase, (my money) that would now put him on level playing field with his peers (or some playing field anyway), he removed the plastic wrap and part of the plastic covering somehow got stuck to my hand, while I was driving.  

“How on earth did this get here?” I asked him, half expecting an apology for his lack of proper garbage disposal.  ”You must have a negative charge.” he replied.  

Excuse me?

Call me shallow, but I found this kind of offensive.

Negative charge, my ass!  

I am brimming with optimism and cheer.

I absolutely exude positivism.

Over the next few minutes, he educated me on this scientific principle, which I am aware is based in fact. Not that I’m Einstein or anything, but it was also too much for me to be reminded of this scientific principle by a 14-year old. My 14-year old. The one I gave birth too. Fourteen years ago.

I had taken this comment very off-handed, scientific observation very personally and was ordering him to alter his claim.  I’m the boss around here, after all. “Come on, Mom, they’re just ions; it doesn’t mean anything. You’re making a big deal about of a few atoms that have nothing against you.”

Nevertheless, I bugged him about it until he finally acquiesced and blurted out in sheer frustration, “Okay! Okay!  You’re positively charged and this teeny, tiny little piece of plastic XBox wrapping is negatively charged.  Are you happy?!”

Yes.  

Now, I am happy.

So….

Are you positively charged or negatively charged today?

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